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Wow, wow, wow, Jamie’s cryin’... and Jamie is a pretty big dude. |
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Written by Christine Stanley/Tahoe World
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Monday, 05 March 2007 |
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I would like to start by thanking all of you who contacted me this week regarding the “It’s not you, it’s me” column.
Man, some of you have really gotten the shaft, one guy even said that after the big break, he got stuck with, like, half a dozen pets that he is now desperately trying to give away. And I’m sure they’re all yappy little chick dogs with names like Mitsy and LaLa. Y’all really know how to pick the winners.
Now on to part two of our series on kosher break ups. There is a special place in hell for people who do this the wrong way. So before you rip him a new one in the middle of Sunnyside for not listening to you, and failing to understand your needs, blah, blah, blah, heed a word or two of advice.
Last week we looked at the proper way to let a girl go, but trust me that breaking up with a man is a totally different game.
Are you writing this down?
• Speak s-l-o-w-l-y: When you send your guy packing, be clear that, yes, you are really, really sure that things are definitely over. He’s a big dumb animal and if you screw this part up you’ll be getting 3 a.m. drunk dials in which said sap is slurring something incoherent about how good he treated you; why won’t you take him back; you never even cared. Spare me.
• Don’t make him be the last to know: You’re girlfriends aren’t a part of this skirmish, so there is no need to rally the troops. Trust me, there will be more to talk about over martinis if they’re surprised too. And besides that, this is Tahoe and if you run your mouth, you know someone is going to tell him, and then you are going to feel like a grade-A jackass.
• Minimize the attitude: As the breakerupper, you already have the upper hand, so don’t pour lemon juice in the poor guy’s wound by being a cold-hearted bitch. I know it can be difficult when you’re under attack, but be the bigger person and let him vent. He might say something way out of line — let it go. If you can keep your cool, he won’t have extra reasons to curse you later. Plus, you don’t want him telling all the eligibles in town what a psychotramp you are.
• If he starts crying: Point and laugh. No! I’m totally kidding. If he cries, then you’ll cry, then you’ll retract the break-up and all hope of escape from the relationship will be lost. Tell him you’re sorry to hurt him, but the break up is for real, and then haul your hiney out the door pronto.
• Don’t push buttons: Remember that special place in hell I mentioned earlier? If you break up with your boyfriend via e-mail, text message, answering machine, Blackberry, Morse Code, whatever, you will go directly to that spot. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.
• Avoid fake excuses: His laugh is like nails on a chalkboard. His farting makes you gag. He humps you like a bunny until your contact lenses pop out. Whatever. Don’t tell him that you have to part ways because you joined the Peace Corps and are moving to Zimbabwe, when really he just bores your skull to numbness. I’m not promoting brutal honesty here, but a sincere “I don’t feel a strong connection to you,” is a perfectly acceptable way of saying, “Eww, get away.”
• Secure a breakup buddy: I probably don’t need to tell you this, cause it’s usually our first priority anyway, but I do want to put out a schedule reminder. Once, during a spring break in college, I broke up with a boyfriend while all my friends were on vacation in Mexico. It sucked bad because I had no one to guzzle martinis with afterward, so I went home alone and channel surfed with a pint of double-fat ice cream. Plan accordingly if possible.
• Don’t check up: That breakups are bummer is a universal known, so you don’t have to call him later to see how he’s doing. He’s angry and hurt and possibly confused but he sure as hell does not want to talk to you, the she-devil. He’s got friends and a Playstation and a bottle of Jaeger, so let it be. He’s a big boy and I promise he will recover.
Ok, so now that you’ve had the breakup lessons for both sexes, I would like to encourage you all to go out and rearrange the availability pool. Options have been looking a little shabby at Balboa and Jake’s lately, so let’s all help one another out and share what little wealth is left in Tahoe.
And, as always, I would love to hear from you at
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Last Updated ( Monday, 05 March 2007 )
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