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The Sinner's Corner: It's not me, it's you |
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Written by Christine Stanley/Tahoe World
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Tuesday, 20 February 2007 |
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Killing her softly
 Ah the breakup. You prepare for it — recite and refine your monologue, consider the need for blame-shifting, blast mood-inspiring songs in the car.
But it seems no matter how ready you are, breakups never go as planned. You’re plane of strength and sensibility plummets from its cruising altitude and crashes horrifically, strewing mangled carnage of emotions and expletives across the living room.
Ouch.
I have decided, and I don’t think I’m alone here, that breakups suck. Unfortunately, there is no way around them. But keep in mind that what you do and say in the moments before, during and after you drop the bomb will forever determine how you are remembered.
I have also decided that breaking up with a woman takes an entirely different set of tactics than breaking up with a man. So in this week’s first installment of a two-part series, we will take a look at the proper rules of disengagement to be applied when breaking up with a woman.
Here goes:
• Unless she committed some unforgivable violation of the dating code that gives you a free pass to behave like an idiot, most women would ask that you end things like a man — not a frat boy. Make it clear why the relationship has to end. Keep it honest and brief.
 • Timing is everything. It’s not your responsibility to make sure that she survives the breakup, but it is your responsibility to consider what else is going on in her life. If her dog just died, you’re going to have to suck it up for a little while longer.
• Women need closure, so you can’t just slip out the back. This is a common tactic, but it’s not cool. Man up and give her a chance to say good-bye before you slip into oblivion.
• There is a special place in hell for men who use technology for breakups. No e-mails, no text messages, no phone messages, no instant messages. Period. Also, no Post-it notes. If you cared about her enough to sleep with her, cook her dinner and walk her dog, you can at least have the balls to face her.
• Be honest. But not too honest. Women need a good reason to accept the breakup and move on, however we do not need to be reminded of all our faults. Leave that part out.
• Stick to your guns. You know how it is — you start to deliver the news, her big pretty eyes start to water, her lips quiver and before you know it you’re back-stepping with phrases like “there might be a chance for us in the future.” If you know it’s over, spare her the agony of a false sense of hope.
• Don’t freak out if she gets emotional. We’re supposed to be the softer sex, right? Tears and runny mascara will not burn holes in your skin or cause things to spontaneously combust, in fact they won’t even stain your T-shirt. If she gets hostile or weepy, stay calm and let her get angry or hysterical for a little while. Remember that you’ve been thinking about the breakup for weeks, and that she heard about it 10 seconds ago. You also don’t have to get through the entire breakup process in just one meeting. If she can’t chill out, plan a time to sit down later and finish the conversation after she has adjusted to the shock.
 • You are a bastard if you use the “It’s not you, it’s me” line. She’s not stupid and she knows you’re leaving her because she’s not the one.
• Breakup with her before you start something else. Otherwise it’s called cheating, and you deserve all the bad karma coming your way. Ass.
• Only keep in touch on special occasions. You do not need to call her the next week to make sure that she is OK. She’s fine, and she has friends. It’s not helpful and it only confuses the issue. The exception is her birthday, but in no circumstance should you discuss the breakup or stay on the phone longer than 10 minutes. Also, and this is a biggie so pay attention: Your ex is not your pet-sitter. This will only lead to negative consequences down the road. It’s a dog, not a baby, so one of you is going to have let go.
• Just Say No to breakup sex!! That’s not breaking up, that’s hooking up and you’re only going to mess with her head.
• The final point is to let her know she matters. Say something like “I’m sorry that we weren’t right for the long run, but I really value the time we spent together.” That way she won’t always hate you for breaking her heart, and she will be less timid about falling in love again later.
• Go home and drink a beer.
Good luck with all that, and stay tuned next week for our second installment of “It’s not me, it’s you.”
Have a crappy breakup story to share? Send it my way, along with your column ideas, to
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Best Line in this story
Written by mikesathome on 2007-02-23 11:56:31
• Go home and drink a beer. |
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Last Updated ( Tuesday, 20 February 2007 )
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